Dispersed Cultural Identity in Relationships
Our identity is integral to who we are. It provides the foundation for the choices we make that define our life story. The journey toward finding an integrated identity can be both meaningful and painful.
A part of our identity is culture — that is, the values that weave together our past, present, and future. Now, imagine living your daily life feeling dispersed instead of whole. An identity in which one feels split between what they know and what they feel they need to adopt based on the societal standards of the dominant culture.
This can be true for many people from diverse backgrounds. It may be true for those living away from their home country, for individuals whose parents are first-generation immigrants, and for children of biracial parents, among other contexts. When you have been raised with a particular value system and then have to navigate adult relationships in an ever-evolving and impressionable society, there can be a constant underlying shift taking place.
Relationships are a shared experience across cultures. Living among a culture with relational values different from those you have internalized can be a balancing act. Relationships can trigger this sense of dispersed cultural identity, causing it to suddenly feel painful, even burdensome. The question is: How do you find balance in relationships while attempting to cultivate a cohesive cultural identity? Here are some ways to guide you through this process.
1. Reflect on the values that are most important to you
Through lifelong learning, we come to associate numerous components with relationships. These can range from love, sacrifice, loyalty, and honesty, among others. All of these values are heavily influenced by culture. Although values may be shared across cultures, their significance and meaning can vary. For this reason, it is imperative to know which values are most important to you.
Oftentimes, we choose people based on an unconscious filtering process. This might be the reason you think to yourself, “I have a pattern.” Knowing your values can deepen this awareness and allow you to make wiser choices.
2. Recognize what is and is not negotiable
We often hear phrases such as “red flags” and “green flags.” What designates a person’s behavior as belonging in either category depends on whether their values align with yours. What may be appreciated in one culture can be seen as a hindrance in another. Know the difference for yourself so you can make an informed choice.
Within your own value system, there may be values that are absolute requirements. These allow you to feel safe in your relationships and deepen emotional connection. Furthermore, within negotiable values, determine the extent to which they are truly negotiable. The degree to which a value is negotiable can also shape your sense of self.
3. Stay open
When navigating a conflict of values in a relationship, attempt to remain emotionally open. This helps create safety for both you and the other person. It also allows space to reflect on values through conflict. You may think, “I want to shut down because this feels scary. However, I choose vulnerability because it allows me to remain authentic to my values.”
4. Choose courage over shame
Separating shame from self can be daunting, especially when shame has become central to your decision-making and self-identity. Many experiences can lead us to feel inferior about our values, particularly when they are not seen as the popular norm. It can cause you to think, “I don’t fit in.”
Know that it is okay not to be a member of every group. Remind yourself: “It takes courage to choose your values daily.”
5. Practice kindness toward yourself
Kindness is often taught in the context of others rather than oneself. As such, being kind to yourself can be one of the hardest things to do. When you do not fit the mold of popular cultural expectations in relationships, you might inadvertently become overly self-critical.
You are allowed to be a blend of cultures. Being authentic is a form of kindness to yourself and to those around you. When you are kind to yourself, you give yourself the freedom to become whole — and you allow others with similar values to come closer.
