The Role of Praise (or Lack Thereof) in South Asian Families - Dr. Laya Reddy, PsyD

In many South Asian households, praise can be an interesting phenomenon.

Parents may proudly speak about their children's accomplishments in social settings, highlighting their academic achievements, career successes, or personal milestones.

Yet, behind closed doors, that same child may rarely hear phrases such as:

"I'm proud of you."

"You worked really hard for that."

"I admire the person you're becoming."

Instead, private conversations may disproportionately focus on criticism, what the child could have done better, or what they should strive toward next.

This is not to suggest that constructive feedback doesn't have an important place in a child's development. However, constructive feedback and positive reinforcement are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they can be most beneficial when they coexist.

The Psychological Impact

This discrepancy between public recognition and private affirmation can create a confusing emotional experience for a child.

They may learn that their accomplishments are worthy of public recognition while simultaneously struggling to internalize a sense of personal competence, worth, and pride.

Over time, praise may begin to feel less like an expression of emotional connection and more like a reflection of the family's social standing.

For some children, this pattern may contribute to adulthood experiences such as:

• Difficulty recognizing or celebrating their own accomplishments.

• Discomfort receiving compliments or positive feedback.

• Constantly moving the goalpost, even after achieving something meaningful.

• Seeking external validation while simultaneously struggling to believe or accept it.

• Equating achievement with personal worth.

Of course, many South Asian parents express love and pride through sacrifice, provision, and acts of service.

Their intentions may be rooted in a genuine desire to see their children succeed. However, well-intentioned behavior can still have an unintended emotional impact.

Because being proud of your child and helping your child feel that pride are two different things.

Children benefit from receiving recognition from their caregivers not only for what they accomplish, but also for their effort, character, resilience, and individuality.

These experiences can contribute to healthy ego development, a more stable sense of self, and the capacity to recognize one's own strengths without depending exclusively on external validation.

Praise isn't simply about celebrating success. It can also help children develop an internal sense of competence and worth that doesn't depend entirely on achievement or an audience.

For Parents: How Can We Create a Healthier Balance?

1. Make praise a private experience, too.

If you can proudly speak about your child's accomplishments to relatives or friends, consider expressing that same admiration directly to your child, even when nobody else is listening.

2. Recognize effort, not just outcomes.

Acknowledge persistence, curiosity, courage, and growth, even when the outcome isn't what either of you hoped for.

3. Allow affirmation and constructive feedback to coexist.

Children can benefit from guidance without feeling that every accomplishment must immediately be followed by a discussion of what they could have done better. Sometimes, an achievement deserves a moment of celebration before moving toward improvement.

4. Appreciate who your child is, not only what they achieve.

Notice their kindness, humor, creativity, emotional growth, and individuality. These qualities deserve recognition independently of academic or professional success.

5. Be genuine and specific.

Healthy praise doesn't require constant compliments or exaggerated admiration. Meaningful acknowledgment is often specific, sincere, and connected to something the child can recognize in themselves.

For Adults Who Grew Up With Limited Praise

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, developing a healthier relationship with validation may involve learning to offer yourself some of the recognition you rarely received.

1. Practice acknowledging accomplishments without immediately minimizing them.

Notice the tendency to respond to success with "It wasn't that big of a deal" or "I could have done better." Allow yourself to recognize what you accomplished before evaluating what comes next.

2. Explore the origins of your internal critical voice.

Consider whether your expectations of yourself reflect your own values or whether they have been shaped by years of external criticism and comparison.

3. Learn to receive positive feedback without dismissing it.

You don't have to immediately deflect a compliment, explain why you don't deserve it, or identify a flaw to balance it out. Sometimes, a simple "thank you" is enough.

4. Separate your worth from your productivity.

Your accomplishments can be meaningful parts of your identity without becoming the sole measure of your value as a person.

5. Develop a more compassionate internal dialogue.

This doesn't mean abandoning ambition or accountability. It means recognizing that growth can occur through encouragement and self-respect, not solely through criticism.

A Final Thought

Recognizing these patterns is not about assigning blame to parents or dismissing the cultural values of hard work, humility, and perseverance.

It is about examining how certain expressions of love, pride, and expectations are communicated across generations, and whether those messages are being experienced in the way they are intended.